A mother in a Waldorf parent-child program submitted a question about agressive behavior from her three-year-old son:
"The struggle we are facing is that our son can be aggressive with the other
kids. Some instances it is a circumstance in which he and another child
both want the same toy and he will try and pull it away- this I can deal
with. Other times it seems as though it is out of nowhere- he will just
push another child or hit them on the top of the head with his hand. The
teahers in our class and the other parents are very supportive to us and
encourage us to let this all play out. My question is "do you have any
suggestions for us to help with this agression?" This situation is not
soley at the mommy and me, it happens with his cousin, who he plays with as
well. What tools can we use to help him control the agression? Any advice is
welcome. Thank you!"
Cynthia replies:
The situation you have described with your son is not unusual. Children between 2-3 years old are in an amazing place in life - like having their feet in two worlds. One world is that of the toddler who is mostly centered around self, with "me, mine, and no" being a major part of the vocabulary. The other is the world of the "not quite, but almost" pre-schooler who wants to connect to other children and play with them but does not quite know how yet. He is still primarily in "parallel play" where the children play side by side but do not really share very well yet. Thus, they grab and bonk!
We can, as the parents and adults who care for them, feel sympathy for the phase they are going through, yet we are also called upon to help them develop the social skills needed to be in a group if we are going to have them in groups.
Certainly in a situation where another child is getting hurt by your son, the word "no" or the word "stop" are fitting. Have you ever heard the story "Sweet Porridge"? Your playgroup leader probably knows it. It is a good one to tell as it uses the phrase "stop, little pot, stop" when the porridge pot boils over. When I was a kindergarten teacher, I often told that story at the beginning of the year. Then to a child who was "boiling over" I could say , "Stop! Just like the little pot, now it's time for you to stop!"
The important thing to remember with little ones is that gesture and movement are what they most respond to, not just words alone. So, if we are sitting still and calling out to them, it is usually ineffective. We have to move with our words. For example, getting up and clapping your hands when you say,"Stop."
By observing your son closely, perhaps you and your husband can get a sense for what triggers his aggression. Is it most often just before he is hungry or when he has been on the go too much or when another child does something in particular? If you can get a sense for a pattern, you can sometimes diffuse the situation by redirecting your child's attention before he becomes aggressive. For example, if he tends to fall apart about a half hour before the program ends, then maybe your signal is that you need to leave a half hour early and let him build up his social stamina over time. I also have seen parents take their little one outside for awhile for a breather.
Particularly for children with no siblings, their first group experience can be a bit overwhelming. They have not had to share before. Since he is approaching three, you can begin to take a closer look at the structure you have at home also. Are you giving in to him when you need to stand firm? Now is the time when you can expect him to learn how to wait for things - for example, at meal time try serving your plate and your husband's first and then your son so he can grow accustomed to not always being first at everything.
I remember when my youngest son was that age. When my husband would come home from work, I needed to be reminded that I was still bigger than my son. He was such a strong little being that developing structure and form for him was a big challenge. On the other hand, he was very endearing and extremely funny. Now he is a very successful business man and meets obstacles with ease.
One further suggestion - before you enter playgroup or enter the home of your son's cousin, take a moment to get down on his level, give him a big hug and slow down. Sometimes children just need time to pause. Ask yourself whether or not you are in a rush when you go out of the house. Plan time for him to get on his coat and boots, for example, without feeling rushed.
Also, some children do not do well if they are the last ones to arrive. They feel chaotic if the other children are already fully involved in play. If that is the case with your son, you can try arriving a few minutes early so he can settle a bit before the other children come. Help him to choose an activity that easily lends itself to the involvement of others. For example, if there is some "precious" toy that all the children fight over, guide him toward something else to begin with, so that when the other children arrive, he won't be in a position to have to "defend" his turf.
Finally, check your own breathing in situations where your child acts out. Sometimes it can be helpful for you both to get a drink of water and a breath of fresh air. And whenever possible find something to laugh about. Laughter regulates breathing and releases all kinds of tension. It is an elixir of life.
I know there are more suggestions, but this is probably enough for now.
Sending you all good wishes, Cynthia
Comments (3)
I agree with what you said above about three year olds being in the middle of toddlerhood and pre-school transition. I try to remember this in my classroom every day. Any suggestions for a teacher with 15 of these kids in a class? My class dynamics are just unbelievable. I have 12 boys and 3 girls. All age 3. I work everyday on teaching them how to relate socially but I still feel like I am drowning in temper tantrums, aggressive behavior, and yelling (them, not me).
I need some advice that I can do on a larger scale than the example before. I use the word "no" firmly when there is dangerous or aggressive behavior. I separate them for safety when a child is overly excited and needs some calm "down time" or when they have been overly aggressive. But everyday it is the same yelling, same fighting, same behavior.
Any suggestions on something to help me make it through the rest of the school year? I have a degree in Education and I feel as lost as if I didn't spend a day in school.
Posted by Dorothy | November 7, 2005 7:52 PM
This is a difficult situation for me to respond to. Do you have any option at all to begin to move toward having a mixed-age group? Part of what you are dealing with is that a group of three-year olds are surrounded by three-year-old behavior. There are no slightly older children for them to emulate - for example, the creative play of the 4 1/2 or 5 year old. There are no slightly younger children for them to help care for - for example, helping with diapering or feeding. They are simply stuck in limbo land of being with a group of children who are not yet ready to share, who are still exploring somewhat by mouthing (biting), and who are in one of life's biggest transitions - having just recently learned to really communicate in complete sentences, having just recently learned certain aspects of bodily control, and really just learning how to think some of their own thoughts. I have communicated with a few teachers who have said that they will never again have a class of only three year olds. It is unnatural when you think about it. Since children primarily thrive in the activities and experiences presented through practical daily life found in a healthy home life and through creative play, how many families would you find who had only three-year olds?
Now, having said all of that, I acknowledge that you are not in a "family" setting and perhaps are being asked to articulate a "curriculum" that is not necessarily developmentally ideal for the children in your care. So, what can you do aside from convincing your colleagues that having single-age rooms of children is crazy-making?
Without knowing your exact school situation,here are a few questions:
Do you have a working partner or assistant? If so, could you split the group during parts of the day? For example, a center I visited in Vancouver had a mixed-age group of infants to three-year-olds - again no models of older children to help to balance the energy. After snack, some of the children went outside to play while others stayed in and played while one of the caregivers began making lunch for everyone. The play during those times was lovely. It was more like "home" and less like "program" because the numbers were reduced, thus less overwhelming for such young children, and it was easier for them to play independently or even to explore playing with just one other child. This could happen a couple of times a day. Or, if everyone goes outside at the same time, is there the possibility of two different play areas.
What I am trying to do is help you reduce the volume of children throughout the day, so that they can breathe a little easier.
Are you able to provide a good length of time outside for them? Nature can have such a healing influence on little ones, particularly uncultivated nature as opposed to playground.
This age still needs lap time. Is that possible for you? Perhaps not every day, but in the course of the week, is every child getting an opportunity to be in a lap playing a body game or finger play or looking at a book or just quietly cuddling?
Does the room have enough "nook and cranny" space where the children feel like they can "disappear" at will? For example, can you put a big cloth over the table so some children can play under there? At this center I mentioned, once a week they gave the children the cardboard boxes that the vegetables were delivered in.
Do you have the opportunity for water play inside - even helping to wash the dishes every day can be thrilling for this age? You just need to have changes of clothes and/or good aprons when you bring in water play.
What about working with food? They love to begin chopping and peeling at this age.
Regarding nurturing, could you provide warm foot baths for the children, hair brushing after nap, soothing things like that?
So, often we are being asked to do curriculums that require the children to "do" projects throughout the days and weeks. What they primarily are compelled to do, however, is to imitate what we do (cleaning, food prep, singing, dancing, resting, etc.) and to play freely.
I think a starting point toward helping your situation is to get on your hands and knees and go throuogh your space imagining what would be interesting to a three-year-old. They still like to put things into things and take them back out again. They like to undress baby dolls. They like to play kitchen. They like to hide and get under things. They like to climb. They like to draw (scribble) without anyone having expectations about it. They like to paint sometimes. They like to play with dough. They like to help in the real, big-people kitchen.
On absolutely crazy days, don't be afraid to just sit in the middle of the floor, put your head down, and be really, really still. This is often more effective than calling out to the children. It draws them in. When they begin gathering around you, hold the stillness for as long as you can. Then perhaps you can slowly raise your head with a twinkle in your eye and do a simple little finger play or game. Moments like this can break the spell of chaos - at least for awhile.
Here is the basic thing: Find what children of this age naturally, developmentally want and need to do, and find ways for them to be able to do it. Often part of our problem is that we are not set up in such a way that their primary developmental needs are being met - such as I mentioned above. So, for example, if they want to climb but you do not want them to climb on the dining room table, then figure out where can they climb? If they want to throw things, but you do not want them to throw toys, where can they throw. If they want to scream and shout, and it is too loud in the room, then where can they scream and shout?
My hat is off to you and my heart goes out to you as you care for these little ones. Don't think badly of yourself. Many of the early childhood trainings available today do not prepare us for what we are then expected to do. And even when they do have the appropriate content and approach, the real learning curve always comes in the practice with the children!
Blessings on you, the children and your most important work!
Cynthia
Posted by Cynthia Aldinger | November 29, 2005 9:08 AM
I work with ten children ages one and a half to two and a half. My co-teacher and I have tried the idea of splitting our group up when we can, and it has worked wonders! We are together for meals, butalternate our inside/outside time between meals. When one group goes out, the group staying indoors breathes a sigh of relief.
Another thing we often do is bring in a visitor (or sometimes two) from the Kindergarten who can be a "helper." The Kindergarteners love being Big Kids,and it's amazing what a help even four year olds can be with the little ones. Even when they are not helping, but just there playing, it brings a whole different energy into the room. --Faith
Posted by Faith Baldwin | December 7, 2005 9:57 AM