How can we nurture ourselves while caring for young children? How can we find happiness and satisfaction in a task that often produces no visible results in any given day? How can we find meaning for ourselves as well as being there for our children?
Rahima responds:
These are such deep and rich questions, that we've devoted 2 entire days to exploring the answers at the seminar "Nurturing Young Children and Yourself!" March 12-13, 2005 in Colorado. Today I'd like to focus on finding the meaning and satisfaction in being home with young children.
A recent article on "The New Science of Happiness" (Time, January 17, 2005) reported some interesting results. When researchers followed 900 women in Texas by having them keep a detailed record of what they were doing, with whom, and their emotional state at the time (called the day-reconstruction method), they found the five most positive activities for these women were (in descending order) sex, socializing, relaxing, praying or mediating, and eating, followed closely by exercising and watching TV. "Taking care of my children" ranked way down on the list, below cooking and only slightly above housework.
My immediate question when hearing this study reported on NPR was to wonder how many of these women were working outside the home, because it's no fun to stuff and child into the carseat and get to daycare on time, retrieve them just before dinner (the whiniest time of the day), and then try to get them into bed to start the process all over again the next day. However, being with young children for longer periods of time also has its challenges.
In direct contrast to the above research, other studies show that families contribute greatly to happiness and satisfaction. When asked directly, "What one thing in life has brought you the greatest happiness?", 35 % of people in a recent poll answered their children, grandchildren or both. This highlights the potential difference between the moment-to-moment experiences (pleasure or the lack there of) and life satisfaction, which Seligman found had three components: pleasure, engagement, and meaning. In my current work with elders, I find these to be important elements of quality of life and life satisfaction, and the same is true if you're being a parent with young children.
Finding the joy or pleasure in being with young children requires checking some of our adult consciousness at the door, slowing down, and entering into the world of the young child, where we are invited to share in their wonder and love of life. Jesus didn't say "Lest ye become like a little child, ye cannot enter the kingdom of heaven" for nothing! Young children are often doing things for the first time, and they share with us their sense of joy and wonder, if we're present to appreciate the gift.
Engagement signifies the depth of involvement we feel-are we able to bring all of ourselves to the task, or are we thinking of a thousand other things we need to do, or would rather be doing? When I joined another teacher in having a Waldorf preschool home (in her home), I was fascinated that it was so much easier to be completely present with the children their than when I was at home with my own three year old. The fact that it was a "real job" with "real money" certainly helped. In contrast, a mother's work of nurturing is largely invisible-no one sees growth on a day-to-day basis, and it takes tremendous effort just to maintain the status quo in the face of entropy from dirty dishes, dirty laundry and toys all over the floor.
One of the things that can really help engagement is establishing rhythm, so you have "off" and "on" time with the children rather than life becoming a constant blur. If you're home with young children, set a structure for your morning and for your week. Include the children in doing household tasks, rather than hurrying to do the housework so you can spend "quality time" with your child. Set a rhythm for your week, so you go to the park every Wednesday, visit with a friend who has a child on Fridays, etc. And take advantage of naptime or a regular "quiet time"-it will help your child to digest the activities of the day, and will provide time for you to be by yourself. Having regular time away once a week, either by yourself or as a couple, can also fortify your ability to be present in the home the rest of the time.
The third factor, meaning, can be increased by taking this opportunity in your life to study child development and to really penetrate what children need for healthy growth. Exploring the living arts (domestic, nurturing, creative and social arts) as described by LifeWays can suggest ways to bring them to your child that will nourish yourself as well. For example, taking up a craft yourself, like knitting or needle felting, can bring new outlets for your own creativity while you model a transformative process that is echoed in your child's play.
Some of this may look like "traditional women's work," but there are important differences. In traditional or pioneer societies, this kind of work was done for survival; then in the 1950's domesticity was a virtue as the "little wife" kept the home for her husband. Now we are faced with the possibility of coming to these tasks because they are nurturing for our children and can give them the best start in life. There is a saying, "Before enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water. After enlightenment, chopping wood and carrying water." It is the attentiveness and awareness with which we come to these tasks that can really nurture ourselves as well as our children. There's so much more to discuss-more another time!
--Rahima Baldwin Dancy
