A mother asks about helping a child with shyness:
My four year old is very shy, and has always been. She cannot respond at all when meeting new people, and will even make bad faces (rolling her eyes, scrunching up her whole face in what looks like irritation) instead of saying "hello" back, or answering how old she is, etc. And around groups of people, even kids her age, she always stays with me. I feel my baby's discomfort, but I also want her to have good manners. And I want to stop making excuses about her shyness to others because I don't think it's good for her to hear repeatedly. Any head/hands/heart ideas to help us work on this?
Cynthia replies:
When my son was four, he would not leave my side even at a friend's birthday party, and at the park - forget it! He would not get on a piece of play equipment
until all the other children, besides his little brother, had left.
At home, he played beautifully and was fine whenever friends came over. It was primarily when we were out that his "shyness" kicked in.
When he was five we put him in a little two-hour, two-days-a-week play school. He hated it at first, but began to open up gradually. His teachers loved him and found him to be so kindhearted to some of the children who were even more "shy" than he.
His social openness increased as he grew older, so that by the time he was a junior in high school he was chosen to be Prom King. Now as a grown man, he is quite gregarious and well-respected.
Often I encounter young children who are expected by the adult world to interact in a way for which they are not ready. As a consequence, they will sometimes seemingly "act out" because they are not socially skilled yet. They may even be nervous or frightened by the expectation they can feel being put upon them.
You might consider the following:
"Shyness" is not a disorder, and in the young child, it might not even be real "shyness". It might simply be that she or he has not yet grown into that level of interacting. Our culture tends to want to homogenize everyone - even children. There is a "standard" to which all are measured.
Perhaps you could discontinue refering to her as "shy". If others call her that or if someone asks her a question which she does not answer, you could say
something like, "She's being quiet right now, but I
can answer your question." If the question, for example, was 'how old are you' then you could simply say, "She's four." When someone says, "hello", you
can say "hello" back. Young children learn primarily through imitation, and just hearing your answers may help her to begin to answer for herself. But if she
feels she is being expected to "perform" it may make her recoil further into herself.
Of course, you don't want to be speaking for her for years to come - just to help her to get through this stage. Continue to go out into social situations with
her. You might even consider a little play school a couple of times a week for a few hours. You want to protect, but not overprotect.
At four, she is old enough to meet some of her antics with humor. If she begins to roll her eyes or scrunch up her face, you could say something like, "Hey,
Hickety Pickety" or "Scrunchy munchy" or some other nonsense name. Children that age usually love nonsense rhyming words. Humor can draw her out of herself.
Of course, absolute rudeness is not appropriate, so if she were to kick or hit or spit at someone, that you would not want to allow. Making faces is more a sign
of her discomfort.
One more thing - If she is four, are you starting to include her in the care of the household? Let her have some simple chores - setting the table, pouring the water, etc. Physical accomplishments can also help her to feel stronger in herself.
Gosh, I remember how I was concerned about my son when he was little. His little brother was just the opposite - not a shy bone in him. And they have both
grown into such fine young men.
Just remember not all flowers bloom at the same time.
With warm regards, Cynthia
