Esther Leisher responds to a mother's questions about television by describing how she created a situation where she and her family didn't turn to television or videos, rather than trying to "get rid of them."
Dear Mary,
Thank you for your comments and questions on the article about TV. Waldorf
schools all differ; some feel particularly strongly about no TV. But no matter
what school your child attends, you still have to think it through yourself. Getting information really helps with that process.
Susan Johnson, who is a pediatrician, recently told a group I was in how the
jerky images (we don't see the jerkiness, but it is there) of TV ultimately
encourages the dominance of the parts of the brain that deal with flight or fight
instead of nurturing the calmness and creative thinking we want for our children. The content is very much secondary, not quite beside the point, but not primary.
Still, I see the information about what TV does as only one side of the coin. The other side is that we turn to TV and videos because our culture has not given us the help we need with child raising. Raising young children has got to be the most difficult undertaking that anyone ever attempts. I think that our culture has made it difficult. Nature never intended for us to have to take care of a child at home alone. In all previous cultures mothers had a group of people around to interact with--adults to talk to, communal work to be done, children playing with each other, and an extended family to be part of the child's life.
We no longer have that. And something in us tells us something just doesn't
work here. Somehow our children should be happily occupied and we should not always be on duty. The only way to make that happen in our day--it seems--is to have something that keeps them busy, such as TV or videos.
The pattern of our days seems to me to be the issue. If you find a satisfying
pattern for family life (which means, usually, having some help) you don't feel inclined to keep them busy with media. Then TV or videos become a choice not a need; then you can think about it, decide what you want.
But how do you get to that point?
I am including the story about what I did that made both the children and me feel that we did not need TV. When asked why we did not have a TV, I simply said that we just did not feel a need for it.
But each family has to find what is best for them. And the answers are not
necessarily simple. You may find that some combination of things works best for you. Set out to find some daily pattern that works for you. And fill in if need be with whatever you feel right about. A video once a week is not going to cause untold damage. A nature program on TV would be fine. Children needn't be cut off entirely from the culture they live in.
But those suggestions won't work unless you have a definite time for them. The children will whine and complain and badger you about it if there is not a set time when you watch those programs. Put the TV away where it can't be seen. (That also tells your husband that you are up to something!) And if the children are used to sitting in front of the TV for a quiet time, get a stool and sit in front of them where the TV usually sits and hold up a picture book and talk about it. That works with the rhythm of activity and inactivity they are used to. They have been used to playing for a while and then sitting for a while. Use the habit to interest them in books.
Begin with whatever books will hold their attention, no matter the quality; you can work toward the better books as you go along. Add a little action and sound effects if need be. Gradually you will create a new habit. (You know you will have time off later in the day.) Soon you will be able to be the TV substitute no matter where you sit or what you read. Quiet time for them means focusing on you. (Have a magical story tape, e.g. "The Wind Boy" for days when you just can't do it.) At some point you will find that you have created quiet times that can be used in various ways and do not necessarily depend on you.
Here is one of the things I did so that we did not feel the need for TV. It is a story from my own life, not directly related to getting away from TV or videos, but illustrating the other side of the coin: creating a situation that makes television and videos unnecessary.
Craig broke his leg when he was 1-1/2. I was desperate. With a cast on he
couldn't walk, couldn't play as he used to. And I also had 3-year-old Mark to take care of. By afternoon I was overwhelmed. In that dire a situation I had to
do something. Under normal circumstances our culture would expect me to be
the perfect mother without a moment of help from other people. Now I was free to say, "I need time off".
I got a 10-year-old girl to come after school to take Craig out in the wagon. Mark went along and talked her ear off. The kids loved it, looked forward to it. And I learned that I couldn't be the mother I want to be unless I have some off-duty time.
Thus when the younger two children came along and I had four, I knew what I
needed. No one had to break a leg for me to figure it out. In our neighborhood I found a responsible 12-year-old, Jamie, to come after school several
afternoons a week to take Laurel and Paul out for a walk, pulling a wagon to put them in on the home-ward way. (You might want to round up several children in the neighborhood and have them come on different days.)
If the weather was bad Jamie played hide and seek inside and made a
tent/house, where they could pretend play, helped by her ideas. Sometimes she just got them started and they played while she washed the dishes.
We got to know Jamie first by asking her to baby sit. We found we liked her, and then began including her in our lives, making her part of the family. When she came to take the kids out, she and I would sit and talk a bit. Sometimes that went on a long time because she needed someone besides her mother to talk to, someone who didn't have any should's to trot out. "You should go talk to that teacher." "You shouldn't feel that way." Or whatever came up.
I listened and made small comments. And I paid her even for the time we
were talking. I paid her more than anyone else in the neighborhood did
because she was a good babysitter. She hung around, saw how I spoke to the children, and learned through my responses to her ideas about play what it was I wanted for my children. Just being around us in our everyday life "trained" her.
We took her to the zoo with us; we took her when we went out to dinner; she was invited to family birthday parties. Those were the perks of being part of the family. She had a sister whom we often included, and who filled in when
Jamie couldn't be there. Their grandmother lived with them, and sometimes Jamie took the kids to play at her house because her grandmother enjoyed seeing them. They did not watch TV there or eat junk food. Jamie knew we didn't do those things.
There were times I felt that I was putting a lot of work into including Jamie in
some of our activities, but even that seemed to me an aspect of creating a rich
life for the children. They had broadened their sense of community. In Jamie,
her sister and her grandmother, they had dear friends in the neighborhood. And I got time off., when I could pull myself together in various ways. I made lists, I read, I planned festivals, I did some art projects, I ran errands. If the children were playing inside on a stormy day I did those things in my room--without coming out for anything.
Since I had a wider community to help me with my young children (Jamie, her
sister, her grandmother) and the children had absorbing things to do, we felt no need for TV or videos. Ideally, you don't even think about it. It is a turning toward something (someone coming to take them for a walk) rather than focusing on eliminating something (TV).
Our culture no longer helps us with those things; we have to create them
ourselves. Just having the time to think how you could deal with your own
situation may require finding some time to focus on it, by trading off with someone or getting a babysitter. And, even then, what you plan may not work immediately--or may not work at all. But eventually it will work. The inner trust you cultivate, the letting go, not squeezing up, eventually bring answers. Talking with other parents also brings inspirations. Attention to something creates a space for serendipities, synchronicities, moments of insight and unexpected occurrences.
As impossible as it seems to you now, you will find the answers for your family,
I'm sure of it. The answers are all around you waiting to speak themselves to
you--from articles, from other parents, from your own sense of knowing. Take a deep breath and listen for them.
I would love to hear how it is going as you work your way toward what you want
for your family,
Esther
[For Esther's other article on Television, see Television at Your House.]
