I recently received the newsletter from the Milwaukee LifeWays Early Childhood Center and was so impressed with the articles written by their caregivers that I asked permission to share them with you. One of the topics we consider in the LifeWays Training is "The Three R's of Early Childhood: Rhythm, Repetition and Reverence. " This article takes up the topic of rhythms and routines. --Cynthia Aldinger
Thoughts on Rhythms and Routines
from Jaimmie Marx
Caregiver at the Milwaukee LifeWays Early Childhood Center
Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to participate in my first parent evening at LifeWays. The evening was a great success and I learned a lot from my research, my peers and the parents in attendance. I spoke about the importance of strong daily rhythms in the life of a young child and would like to share some of these ideas with you.
How do children benefit from rhythms and routines?
One of the tasks of the growing child and one of the functions of parenting is to bring the child into rhythm. Consider the erratic breathing of a newborn baby. It seems as though the life of a new baby is without any rhythm. Feeding and sleeping occur on demand at irregular intervals. This lack of rhythm can be quite exhausting for a new mom or dad, but gradually a rhythm begins to develop and everyone seems happier. As your baby grows, you can help him strengthen his sense of rhythm and reduce the stress in his life (and yours, too!). Your child will be secure and happy because he knows what to expect and what is expected of him.
Discipline issues are greatly reduced when there are strong rhythms. Activities are taken as a matter of fact and become habits. Observe how a child can go into fits when he is occasionally made to clean his room. Or, what becomes of a child who has spent the entire evening shopping, out to dinner and at meetings or social engagements. Often, this child will appear perfectly content through the hubbub, but melts down at the end of it all. Learning that there is a time for all things is a life lesson. Of course, there is a time for play dates and excursions. But, the pace of the modern child's life is often more than he can handle. While adults occasionally feel burnt out, imagine how it must feel to be a burnt out 3-year-old! Rhythm gives children a sense of security and a sense that life has real form. Knowing what's next enables the child to go with the flow with greater ease. While you can tell your child whom you are meeting for dinner and which stores you will be running to, it does not provide the same sense of security as an inner knowledge based on day to day experience. I witness this inner, bodily “knowing” a thousand times a day as kids automatically move from dishwashing to getting on their snow pants for outdoors.
Regularity is the key to establishing good habits. If a child has washed his own dish after eating each day since he could reach the sink, what aggravation we are saving him and his wife or roommates as a man. He shall be liberated from woeful glances at a sink overflowing with rusty dishes. In my own experience, working at LifeWays has improved my own homemaking habits and I am relieved of the stress of a to-do list filled with mundane tasks that would have been a thousand times easier to do in the moment. As your children get older, they will transform the outer structure that you have helped establish into inner self-discipline.
Daily rhythms should be formed around food and sleep. Regular bedtime and meals can reduce tension and confrontations at what can be the most challenging times of the day. These rhythms can be held by ritual, such as a blessing before meals, or a lullaby at bedtime.
Young children need at least 10 hours of sleep at night. And, pediatricians recommend a total of 12-15 hours of sleep each day. So, if your child is having a hard time waking in the morning, consider the amount of sleep he is getting. Bedtime routines can revolve around hygiene and bonding. The more repetitive these tasks, the better. Their bodies will know to brush teeth after putting on PJ's if that is how it is done every night. You can help your child relax at bedtime by doing the same preparations in the same way at the same time every night. One simple story shared from a book, or better yet, an oral tale, can be told again and again for weeks. This allows the child's mind to calm and relax into sleep. When we read 36 books before bed, it is no wonder that he lies there with his mind filled with images, unable to relax in much the same way as adults lay in bed contemplating their to do list or the plans for the next day.
Regular mealtimes, naps and bedtimes help to introduce the child to the concept of the passing of time. If children have regular external rhythms, internal rhythms will develop. When dinnertime and bedtime are consistent, your child becomes hungry at dinnertime and sleepy at bedtime. Rhythm is a blessing for both the parent and the child. It requires much less energy, prevents struggle and supports the activities of the family. It requires inner discipline, and yes, even sacrifice, for we adults are easily bored with the normalcy of life. --Jaimmie Marx
Comments (4)
Thank you so much for the wonderful piece about rhythms and routines. I just wanted to write to see if you might have more specific advice. My older son is 4. He is a very dreamy child, yet is also very strong and has an independent spirit. Thus, many everyday tasks are quite challenging. Right now I am struggling with: getting dressed in the morning and getting into pajamas at night. We have regular mealtimes, regular bedtimes, and a simple bedtime routine. Do you have advice for how I might be able to encourage him to take responsibility for dressing? Thank you!
Posted by Marla Hanan | April 23, 2006 10:32 AM
Before sharing some "tricks," the first thing to realize is that it's unrealistic to expect a four-year-old to take responsibility for such goal-directed behavior as getting dressed. They are still so dreamy and so easily distracted--likely to fall into imaginative moments rather than following through on so many steps. Realizing that will help you to be present with him without the burden of thinking that "he should be old enough...."
Some things that can make it easier: decide the night before on what will be worn the next day, and set the clothes out. Giving children choices when they're tired or just waking up is a sure recipe for disaster. Then, whenever possible, make it imaginative and fun. Put his pajama bottoms on the floor so the pantleg holes are visible and sing, "This is the way we jump in our jammies, jump in our jammies, jump in our jammies..." as you hold his hand and see if he can land in the right spot. It's just the first crazy idea that came to mind in writing this.
The trick is to turn the tasks of ordinary life into "quality time together," rather than something that has to be gotten through as quickly as possible. Four isn't to old to play, "Where's Joey?" as you put the shirt over his head. If you need more time in order to be present with him while he dresses and undresses, you'll find that getting up five minutes earlier will be well worth it in terms of maintaining a loving relationship with one another.
Another "trick" is to start helping him do things in the same order each morning: folding his pajamas, putting on underclothes, then the shirt, then the pants, then the socks, and finally the shoes. Then brushing teeth and hair together. This gives him something to "learn" through repetition, so that when he's older the sequence will be there to fall back on rather than his being confronted by a pile of clothes and forgetting to brush.
So much of what we're doing in early childhood is laying the basis for good habits through rhythm and repetition and modeling how things are done. Jack Petrash gives a wonderful example of this in his book Navigating the Terrain of Childhood (available through our online store). Having laid the foundation for her getting ready for bed through conscious gestures around washing hands and brushing teeth, he could fall back on this when she was 8 and dawdling reading a book in the bathroom by asking, "Have you forgotten how? Perhaps I need to show you?" "Of course not," she replied, not wanting to be treated like a younger child.
Thanks for asking this question! It's great to take areas that aren't working and get some "outside perspective." Experiment and see what works for you. There is a time for demanding excellence, but age four is still too young (however, praise goes a long way, as they do want to do things "myself" when there isn't pressure). I hope this helps the two of you have more fun together during these transitions.
Warmly, Rahima
Posted by Rahima Baldwin Dancy | April 25, 2006 9:45 AM
I have a 28 month old girl and a 12 month old son. I managed to start off on the right foot with my daughter by singing nursery rhymes like itsy bitsy while in bed before bedtime. she knows all these songs and I use to read to her sometimes too but mostly singing and trying to tell a story and she starts to tell a story too by saying once upon a time there was a beautiful girl because that's how I always start.
Here is my question, I am having a hard time getting to know the rythm for my family. I don't know what to do at this point.
So far this is how the day goes when things seem on tract.
8AM -the children wake
I give them milk
8:45 to 9am the latest- I cook breakfast because sometimes they don't want to eat early
When I don't have an outdoor activity which usually occurs from 10am to 12pm
like mommy and me swimming or storytime at the library which is difficult to go to since my 12 month old still takes a morning nap
10am - self care bath my son and then my daughter
11am- my son naps while my daughter plays ask to watch noggin which most days i redirect her by engaging her in something I'm doing and once in a while I let her watch noggin since she likes it so much, beggs and says please for me to turn the tv on and since she seems to interact with some shows sometimes
it's just at other times she zones out and will stand in front of the tv which i had to elevate so she is not directly in front of the screen and she won't respond just appears like a zombee
12:00pm to 2:00pm - lunch which is hard to get her to eat sometimes very picky eater
2:00pm is when she appears sleepy and I try to get her to take her nap by laying in bed with her or cuddling or just letting her be and she'll say goodnight mom eventhough it's middle afternoon and she'll lay in bed and then pop out in a few minutes
she has taken naps from 2 to 4pm or 5 or from 1 to 3:30pm or just 2 to 3pm but she has been
waking up at 8am and i've been getting them in bed between 8pm to 8:30 the latest since her nap time is inconsistent and sometimes she doesn't take one eventhough she does appear to be tired.
between 5pm and 7pm is when dinnertime usually occurs
I need serious help in establishing a rythm..not to mention my 12 month old son...how do i accomadate both of them as individuals
Please help!
Posted by Renel | August 22, 2006 11:59 PM
Also I noticed very much that when I stick to a routine and introduce what is about to happen she is willing but hesitantly and i feel it is because she doesn't know what to expect..
Posted by Renel | August 23, 2006 12:01 AM