Forgiving the Judge
by Penni Sparks
[Note: Penni will be offering pre-conference workshops in both California and Colorado. This article was reprinted from her summer newsletter, which can be requested from info@pennisparks.com
I find myself doing it constantly. I often don't realize that I'm doing it until I'm embroiled in it. Then I get hooked into thinking it's the right, 'grown-up' thing to do, and I can usually find plenty of evidence and good reasons for doing it.
I'm talking about judging. If I'm not ever-watchful, I can hear 'the Judge's voice' in my head constantly, sometimes loudly, sometimes kindly, often times manipulatively. The voice is almost always convinced that it's right. Influenced by this voice of 'enlightened self-righteousness,' I am often led to believe that I know better than everyone else.
'The Judge' in me is rarely satiated. Because things often don't work out the way she thinks they should, 'the Judge' lives in a perpetual state of disappointment, frustration, embarrassment, and ultimately, loneliness. In the wake of the judging, I often feel shame, blame, exhaustion, and hopelessness. Clearly, judging does not bring forth my finer, ennobled self.
Fortunately, I have made a delightful discovery! The antidote to judging is forgiveness. I don't mean I'm now constantly 'forgiving' others for the 'errors of their ways.' Instead I've found a 'new' forgiveness. When I think of forgiveness now, I think of what I can GIVE to myself or to another beFORe the situation arises again. Rather than spending my energy passing judgment on others and myself after the fact, I can now ask, "What can I give to this situation before a 'next time' arises?" so I can have a better chance for a more desirable outcome.
For example, you may be struggling each morning with your young child about being late for school. Because she plays instead of getting dressed, you may judge her as irresponsible, uncooperative, or disrespectful of your wishes. Think about what you can give to this situation before it arises tomorrow. As a first step, you'll want to find a neutral time to present this 'new plan' to her. I have found that in the morning when it's happening is NOT the best time to offer solutions.
Together, you could share about how frustrating the mornings have been and how yucky it feels to both of you to start the day that way. Rather than blaming or shaming one another, you want to stand together and look at this issue that's causing a problem for both of you.
Depending on the age of your child, involve her in brainstorming solutions for what might work better. For a younger child, you'll need to propose a 'let's first try it this new way' plan. Perhaps having her clothes laid out before she goes to bed would make getting dressed in the morning easier. Perhaps making the dressing time into a game with a timer would work. Perhaps creating a success chart with gold stars would work. Perhaps waking her up earlier so she has more time to play before leaving would work.
When you give something new to the situation before it arises again, you free yourself from having to repeat a hopeless cycle of judgment. Most importantly, you model for yourself and your child what it looks like to be an ennobled adult of the highest nature. You demonstrate your inner wisdom, kindness, and serenity in the face of a challenging situation. There is no greater gift you can give to yourself and your child.
