"I am very confused how to discipline my 4 year old, especially with sharing! Im trying not to intellectualize everything, like I used to, but I don't really know how to do this!
Is taking the toy away a good option, or giving choices?? On another note, Is sending him to his room a good way to solve some issues...???
I am really needing advice as I don't know what to do about this.
Any advice would be much valued.
Thanks, Kira"
Dear Kira,
"Discipline" doesn't mean punishment. In fact, it comes from the same root as "disciple,"--you want your child to follow you (through love and devotion), into right action. So in general, I'd say taking the toy away expresses your own frustration, and giving choices doesn't teach the basics of sharing. One aspect of modelling is to state the positive--something like, "We need to take turns." Or, "After Billy puts the toy down, you'll get a turn."
With four-year-olds you can use words that are grounded in practicality--something that will reassure the child that you understand his eagerness and frustration and that "taking turns" works both ways. Part of our job as parents/adults is to teach the social graces--so if we don't expect that he or she "should" already know it, and if we don't think that they have a character flaw if they don't, then we'll be able to model "right action" without our own anger and frustration coming to the fore. "We share with one another" is one of those values or ideals that are givens in life, like going to bed when it's bedtime.
How we do it is the trickey part--and the art. Depending on the age of the child, creative distraction might be useful--start doing something more interesting with something else. Or engage the child in a finger play while he is waiting. Tell an impromptu story about two little ducks who wanted to get in he boat at the same time--how they were pushing and shoving, until it tipped over and Mother Duck and all of them laughed and splashed together as they made up a new game of "fall in the water,"
Children have such strong imitative impulses that it's normal for them to want what another child has--that's not something they should be sent to their room for! No one ever learned anything through punishment. Learning to wait, to take turns, to work out ways to do something together are all high level social skills that take time to
incorporate into our bag of resources. I don't recommend "time outs" as a punishment, although sometimes they're good advice for the parent, who needs to re-collect her composure and patience! Similarly, if a child is so "out of himself" that he's hitting and screaming, it can be all right to leave the space with the child until they're ready to try
again. So it's not a punishment (exclusion with a set time), but staying with the child until they've recovered their composure and ability to negotiate life the waters in a more harmonious way.
This is a big topic, and several other workshop presenters offer insights on it as well. We have great CDs available by Penni Sparks, Claudia McLaren Lainson, Regna Mason, John Cunningham, and others on authority and discipline. We have an important job as parents and care givers, but it involves rethinking authority and discipline so they are example and guidance, not punishment.--Rahima
